THE RICHEST GIRL IN THE WORLD FINDS HAPPINESS

An Occasional Play for All Occasions

by Robert Patrick
 

for Charles Terrel

NOTE: This piece is played without scenery (being dedicated to Off-Off-Broadway’s most talented set designer) and is therefore adaptable not only to the stage but to any physical situation in which a celebratory entertainment is appropriate. The line "It’s Christmas, too!" may be altered to fit the occasion. For example, "It’s Harold’s birthday, too!" or "It’s Lena’s and Vernon’s third anniversary, too!" or "It’s Buddy Poppy Day, too!" As no settings are required, the costuming should be as elaborate as possible. It would be heaven if the Richest Girl could enter in a different dress each time. Of course, if you have the $500,000 necessary to build the sets as suggested in the dialogue, feel free.

SINGER   (In minstrel motley)

Theater, theater, theater,
Rhymes with "creator!"

And every critic claims

The theater and its games

Create to some extent

All outside event.

And people are always descending

To ask for a happy ending!

So we present tonight

A play that turns out right:

A story that begins

As happily as it ends,

And though not repetitious,

Even the center is delicious.

And the title of our story, we confess,

Is: "The Richest Girl in the World Finds Happiness!"

SINGER exits and there rushes on, all ruffles and feather duster, MADALAYNA, a maid. SHE addresses the audience.

MADALAYNA

Here we are, all in ease,

In the swellest of millionaires’ colonies:
Delightful Deal, New Jersey,
Where the stars are starry, the furze is furzy,

It’s a joy to be lady-in-waiting,
Watching the Beautiful People mating.
Any moment we anticipate
A suitor, and he is a date!
The Handsomest Movie Star is due
To make a proposal to You-Know-Who!
She’s awaiting him in the conservatory;
It’s the golden end to a gilded story,
And soon the headlines will be unfurled:
The Handsomest Star Gets the Richest Girl in the World!

The STAR, in leather jacket glittering with studs, enters with great clumping of boots. MADALAYNA quivers in anticipation. HE rings an imaginary doorbell and SHE vibrates to its tone. Gaining control of herself, SHE opens the door. HE slowly removes his jacket and drops it in her arms. SHE falls to her knees.

STAR   How do you do, Madalayna? (Ruffles her hair)

MADALAYNA    (To audience) I’m a very valued retainer.

STAR   Your mistress expects me, I believe?

MADALAYNA   She’s in the conservatory, reading Congreve.

STAR   (Sticks some letters in her mouth) I took the liberty to bring in the mail.

MADALAYNA   (Through a mouthful of mail) Can you find the conservatory?

STAR   Without fall. (HE exits)

MADALAYNA   (Puts the coat on to free her hands and examines mail)

Now let me see. Be still, my heart,

Or I can’t tell the letters apart.
Con Ed. Bell Tel. The A&P.

Saks’ Fifth Avenue. AT&T.

It’s the everyday mail one always expects:

The first of the month dividend checks.

But—oh!—What’s this? Special Delivery?

Oh, all of a sudden I’m shaky and shivery.

I dassn’t open it. Yes, I must. (Opening letter)

Oh, if this is what I think, I’ll just--

It is! Nom Yo Harengya Kyo!

Oh, whatever will I doe?

I’m approaching a status hysterica.

My mistress is voted Miss America!

And she may at this moment be vowing to wed.

And she won’t break a promise; she’s such a straight head.

The conservatory! I must make haste!

It’s the worst problem I’ve ever faced.

She wanted this so; it’ll make her whole spring.

What else can you give the girl who has everything? (SHE exits)

THE RICHEST GIRL and the STAR enter immediately.

GIRL

Oh, Geoffrey, darling, I’m on the verge

Of tears because you want us to merge.

How on earth could I ever refuse you?

But before I answer, just to amuse you,

Let me show you around the place.

STAR

Geraldine, come face to face

And answer me in this exquisite setting.

GIRL

Oh, come take a look at what you’re getting.

We’re in the conservatory, as you know;

Let’s take the tour; it’s my favorite show.

Every room is unique and rare,

Imported by Pan Am from everywhere.

When you see it, I know your flesh’ll

Crawl; they did a TV special,

Where I, like Grace Kelly or Jacqueline Kennedy,

Exhibited it in all its infinity,

Showing all my virginals and spinets,

And they called it "Sixty Sets in Sixty Minutes."

SHE leads him away with a grand gesture. MADALAYNA enters immediately.

MADALAYNA

GIRL

And this is the Indian temple that is known as Shalimar.

I had it brought over tile by tile by tile by tile by tile by tile by tile; that’s how women are.

STAR

It makes a truly lovely early-morning breakfast nook.

I’m glad you had the sun put there; I love the way you look.

GIRL   We could roller skate to the other side of the house where I keep the moon.

STAR  Very well, if that’s your whim—but I want my answer soon!

MADALAYNA

I’d swear I heard a footfall—but there are twenty-eight doors out of here.

Perhaps I can follow her perfume—if the gardenias don’t interfere.

SHE exits, sniffing like a bloodhound. STAR and GIRL enter immediately.

This cathedral is truly stunning, my dear; tell me, where is it from?

I got it with coupons from all the servant children’s bubblegum.

STAR   Won’t you tell me here in the sight of What’s-His-Name that you’re mine?

GIRL   Not in the ruins of Ravenna, dear-it’s much too Byzantine.

STAR   Well, doesn’t your mansion include a Venetian canal, romantic and pleasant?

GIRL   Of course, you silly boy. Right this way. Whaddaya think--we’re a peasant?

MADALAYNA

I’ve looked in the Javanese treasury and the Babylonian salon.
In the Paraguayan kennel I tripped over a sleeping faun.
I’ve checked the Bessarabian terrace, the Austrian observatory.

Venus is in Scorpio; Heaven protect this story.)

In the Lithuanian library they had riffled through Romeo and Juliet.

Oh, dear; I haven’t dredged the Ethiopian lily pool yet.

I peeked in the Gothic game room, which is somnolent and sinister,

And that reminded me the guests here often include a minister.

If they elope to the Chaldean chapel, it truly will be finisterre.

SINGER

Oh, it’s nice to have a man around the house,

But it’s nice to have a house around the man.

And if he ever happens to become all homesick, then

It’s nice to have a hallway you can keep his home town in.

One way to keep a man at home

Is to make home big enough to roam,

And a girl who owns half the free world’s radium

Can always build a wing on, and bring on Yankee Stadium.

He’s a lot less likely to wander

If even getting to the door involves a caravan;
One way to keep a man around the house

Is to always keep a house around the man. And out!

SINGER exits. STAR and GIRL enter immediately. HE needs to urinate.

GIRL   Darling, you seem a bit tense. Is it something I’ve said or done?

STAR   No, I was looking for a-well, you know. Tell me, is there one?

GIRL   Why, of course, don’t be bashful-the men’s wing is right through here.

STAR  (Looking through doorway. Looks up) How very attractive. Who did the graffiti?

GIRL   Michelangelo, dear.

SHE shoves him through door and THEY exit. MADALAYNA enters immediately, bushed.

MADALAYNA

Perhaps I’d do better to stand in one spot and wait.

No! I’d rather trust in chance than trust to fate.

I could toss the I Ching to "ahsk" where they are. Is that too much to "ahsk?"

Naw. I’m just feeling mystic because I’m in a Melanesian Mosque.

STAR   I won’t go up another step.

GIRL   But I wanted to show you Heaven.

STAR   (Gets up)

I know that you’re so rich you get the ten o’clock news at seven.

I want your answer now, in this fabulous scenery we’re amid.

GIRL   Well, I’m not the first girl to be swept off her feet here on the Great Pyramid.

STAR   Then your answer is

GIRL   Yes!

STAR  You’ve made me the most ecstatic of men, my sweet.

GIRL  No, your suite’s over there in the Tower of London. Let’s go get something to eat.

MADALAYNA   Mistress, at last I’ve found you. You look happy. Am I too late?

GIRL   Madalayna, we’ve something to tell you.

STAR   (Idly) This pyramid is great.

GIRL I have agreed to marry this gentleman.

MADALAYNA

Aiyeeeee! I have failed in my duty.

Madame, if I may be first to call you so, read this tribute to your beauty.

SHE hands the GIRL the letter and hides her face. The GIRL skims the letter.

GIRL

Wow-dow, I’m Miss America. How happy can I be?

I’m awfully glad that you’re both here to share this thrill with me.

MADALAYNA

But-but, but-but, but-but, but-but, but-but you’re not a Miss.
The contest is this evening. They won’t put up with this!

GIRL

My dear, this side of the house is over the International Date Line.

Did you think I could ever miss? Get a load of that fate line.

GIRL extends her palm. STAR and MADALAYNA examine it.

STAR

I don’t know if you’ve ever examined your palm with any great finality,

But here’s a line assures you and your mate youth, beauty, and immortality.

GIRL   And yesterday they discovered oil here in the West Salon. (SHE indicates a line in her palm)

MADALAYNA   I do like working here; there’s always something going on.

GIRL

And now I have an announcement to make. I’ve beauty, love and health,

So I really don’t need anything else. I want to give my wealth

To all the poor children of the world. Please don’t fret and fawn.

Take that message to all of my newspapers. Now! Begone.

MADALAYNA exits hurriedly.

STAR   Oh, darling, do you think that’s wise? Perhaps they’ll overeat.

GIRL   But everything always turns out for the best.

STAR   If you say so, my sweet.

MADALAYNA

Madam, to honor your wedding, the poor children asked me to say

They want to give all your money back, and happy wedding day.

GIRL

All of you out there listening, you see, it’s really true;

The happiness you give away does come back to you.

STAR

And the moral of our story is one you all can guess:

The Richest Girl in the World Is the One Who Finds True Happiness.

SINGER enters.

SINGER

How truly it is written that happiness is found

Only by those who are truly happy all the year around.

The secret of serenity is one we all possess:

The Richest Girl in the World Is the One Who Finds True Happiness.

MADALAYNA   You must have faith in Providence and ‘twill dispel your gloom.

GIRL   When I feel it start to rain, I move to another room.

STAR

This is the only secret your study will impart:

The true sense of well-being comes to the untroubled heart.

GIRL   Possessions are as nothing; Madalayna, call the car.

STAR  Do your best to brighten the corner where you star.

GIRL   Now let our servant sing out what we would all profess:

MADALAYNA   The Richest Girl in the World Is the One Who Finds True Happiness.

GIRL   And don’t forget it.

STAR   The Richest Girl in the World Is the One Who Finds True Happiness.

GIRL   And holds on to it.

SINGER   The Richest Girl in the World Is the One Who Finds True Happiness.

MADALAYNA   (Interrupting. In prose) Oh, Madam, there is one other thing I forgot to tell you.

GIRL   What’s that?

MADALAYNA   It’s Christmas, too!

SINGER   (Sings)

This is the end of our story, another’s starting soon.
Niagara Falls is coming to them for their honeymoon.

ALL

You must have wealth within you or wealth could not mean less.
The Richest Girl in the World Is the One Who Finds True Happiness.

Happy ending to you.

Happy ending to you.

Happy ending forever.

Happy ending to you.

La la la la.

And don't forget it:

The Richest Girl in the World Is the One Who Finds True Happiness.